start [Cowarun]

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I'm truly curious to see where this may end up, if there ever does turn out to be a reasonable "end" to this idea. Obviously, this website and myself will be gone some day relatively "soon," but the intention behind it has persisted within myself for as long as I can remember, and the true origins of my motivations have roots that bleed far beyond what I could ever hope to truly & fully grapple with. I want to make it clear upfront; this website is no more important than any other attempt at creating something beautiful. While my own personal motivations are obviously strong to myself, they are nothing when compared to the vast ocean of other people making similar, often better, attempts at projects such as these. My whole life I have been fixated on philosophy, humanities, sociology, and numerous other forms of analyzing the world around me. I do not have a clear full-proof idea to enshroud all of my thoughts; I only have my thoughts. I do not intend on reaching a point where I could claim otherwise, to do so would be blind. I do know that I can see when problems have arisen, and I do know that I want nothing more than to have the ability to help process and handle such problems, in whatever means I'm able.

There isn't much time. It's never felt like there was for as long as I can remember. I don't really feel prepared for anything I'm about to do, but I don't feel uneasy either. What else should I be other than myself in this moment? What other paths that precede me should I have taken? I'm not specifically proud of who I am today, but to say that without room for nuance is disingenuous to the work that I have put into myself and the environment around me. I am by no means fast at bringing to life what I do, but I cannot deny that I am always at least internally working.

I fear myself more than anyone else fears me. I have ample reason to fear myself; there are countless stories of people like myself who have either gone off the deep end of recovery, or never walked the path of true recovery to begin with. I have no idea where I stand compared to the sea of everything, as such I've always felt all I can do is recover by means of observing/absorbing all of my surroundings, at least as much as what's possible to absorb, and taking all the waves of existence as lenses to view myself as unbiased as I'm able. The internet always made that easy to do, at least in terms of giving me plenty to absorb.

I don't particularly want to be here. I'm not someone who feels the motivation to live as an inherent part of my mental routine. I've learned to claim life as my own in order to feel anything, and I often struggle with that. Dissociation has been a main-stay part of my life for... what quite honestly appears to be since a child. It's always fascinating watching older videos of myself. More often than not I stare into anything and everything. This... very much contrasts my brother, who never gave up a moment to move, explore, and interact with the world. Even still to this day, this contrast very much persists.

I don't fit in with the avenues of success that are paved for us. I feel like the easiest measure of success I could take is to abuse my face for the purpose of spreading whatever it is that keeps the balance of world improvement and social engagement going, but that very much feels like cheating in my case; not to mention, plenty of people already currently serve that purpose, and I have no reason to indirectly contribute to taking away their spotlight. I guess it's fitting for me to go down an avenue that lacks profitability... or popularity... so... wasting my time within the current metrics of what it takes to accomplish anything in this world. I can only hope it serves me well in other manners, and that my needs are met enough for me to continue trying to find what works.

Obviously, I don't wish to imply this project lacks purpose, but it's important to rationalize about what this is, not what I hope it could be within whatever pipe-dream long-term goal I could dream of. Fundamentally, this is a diary, an ever-evolving commitment to whoever may join, an attempt to seek high-effort engagement, and a love letter to myself. Most of all, it's a hope for a better tomorrow; not for me, but for all who have the privilege of participating.

I'm glad I've finally started. I hope to see you wherever it is that we end up, and as always, thanks for watching.

[[Where Could We Go From Here?|Where Could We Go From Here?]]